It’s supposed to be the greatest compliment you can pay a woman driver: “Oh, you drive like a man….” 

The understanding here is that women are too fluffy for the macho world of vehicles and engines and torque-talk. All right, so let’s show them, I thought, when I was invited to a weekend of bundu-bashing in a borrowed 4x4. It is known officially as the Mitsubishi off-road cross-country training course, at Stoney Ridge (apt name!) near the Weenen Game Reserve in KwaZulu Natal. And this is what happened…

Day 1: Off to Mitsubishi in Pinetown to collect the top-of-the-range Pajero GLS. “But it’s white,” I say doubtfully to staff member Vivian. “Yes,” he replies with fine unconcern. “Well, it’s not going to be white when I bring it back,” I say. Once behind the wheel, I marvel at all the muscle and sinew beneath that gleaming skin. It seems unfair to take so much luxury to the bush to beat against stones and rocky inclines, but then again, why have a 3.8 V6 engine if you’re not going to use it? I collect the kids from school, and for a while it is “wow, cool!” as they insist that I drive around the block so that all their friends can see them waving graciously. We set off, and the Pajero laps up the kilometres as we explore the interior – testing the sound system, trying the cruise control, experimenting with cornering, opening the sunroof. Arrive at Stoney Ridge to find an unpretentious camp and a smiling host, John Rich.
Rich is regarded as one of the best 4x4 trainers in the business, and over supper that night the talk is technical as the assembled 4x4-ers tell tall tales of adventures in the wilderness. Stoney Ridge camp is a cluster of two-sleeper tents on stilts under shady trees, gathered around a rough-and-ready lounge/cookhouse. There are stonewalled ablution blocks hidden in the undergrowth, and it is not surprising to get to your shower to find that a few birds or small mammals got there first. The open lounge overlooks the Bloukrans River, with a resident leguaan upstream and assorted wildlife coming down for a drink. A lecture hall hovers to one side. Meals are served at long refectory tables – perfect for story telling. Sundowners and after-dinner coffees are enjoyed around a log fire.

Day 2: After a turbo-charged breakfast, the lecture begins. The first thing I learn is that a 4x4 certificate from Rich is good enough to bring down the insurance premiums on your 4WD. The unspoken word is that, after going through this, you are going to look after the old wagon a lot better than before. And so it proves. During a lively lecture we uncover the secrets of differential locking. Then it’s low range and high range. I had no idea there was so much to learn about tyres and traction. It all makes sense, though, and I begin to get the feeling that anyone who buys a 4x4 and does not do this course is doing themselves a disservice.  Part of the course material is a book on off-road driving, written by Rich, which is the most comprehensive guide to staying out of trouble that I have ever seen. I only learn later that some of the ‘good-grief’ gorges and ‘oh-my’ mud baths featured in the book are going to be part of our training.  Talk over: time for tea, and then we hit the trail. In a slow convoy we snake our way through some rather hostile terrain. Rich’s mission statement reverberates: we have to understand how and why things work. Will it enhance my safety? Will it damage my vehicle? Will it use too much fuel? Those are the three mantras of the off-roader, in that order. Each obstacle we encounter is discussed and described. How do we deal with this? Where do we put our wheels? Where is the line to follow? Do we take this one quickly or slowly? They range from dongas to boulders to river crossings. By the end of the first day it is starting to gel and make sense. Why, even I can do this!

Day 3: Today is Rescue and Recovery: getting vehicles out of impossible traps. This is when I discover why 4x4 drivers are so friendly – you never know when you are going to need someone to come to the rescue. “Everyone likes you, Mommy,” says 10-year-old Camilla in tones of terminal amazement. I don’t tell her that this is because the Pajero has the most powerful engine present and is therefore the first choice for pulling others out of sticky situations. With all these newly-minted experts on the trail, it is difficult for anyone to bog their vehicle down sufficiently to need assistance, but through some nifty driving Rich manages to embed a vehicle in a mud hole. There is a lecture on safety while towing, and then – in seconds – the troubled vehicle is squelched out of the mud. The convoy now snakes along to a picnic spot, and – as I cruise along effortlessly over hillocks and 45-degree inclines – I come to the conclusion that the Pajero handles all obstacles like a dowager duchess being chauffeured to the opera. And as we head home along the N3, dusty and hot with an extreme sense of achievement that there is very little that Africa can throw at us that we cannot handle, Alex (10) says wistfully: “Do you think we could keep this car, Mommy?” “No, unfortunately I have to take it back tomorrow,” I say. But one thing I will keep forever from this weekend – from now onwards, any man is going to have to try to drive like me!

PS – The MOX camp is perfect for families, but unless the whole tribe is taking part in the 4x4 course there is not much else to do. However, the organisers of the MOX training do organise special weekends, such as family weekends when the kids are entertained with games and prizes, or special ladies weekends with relevant pampering, or corporate bun fights. Contact the venue at www.stoneyridge.co.za to find out when they are doing something specifically geared for your needs.