There’s the true story of a well-known local television celebrity who was travelling by train with a group of journalists through KwaZulu Natal.

She asked her neighbour what was growing so lushly in the fields through which the train was going.  “Sugar cane,” he replied and was rather surprised when she asked what sugar cane was used for.  “You get sugar from sugar cane,” he said.  “Oh,” she said incredulously, “I thought they mined sugar.” If locals have such peculiar ideas about the scenery of South Africa, can you imagine what foreign guests think?  Americans, especially, seem to have an idea of Africa based on old black-and-white films and rides at Disneyworld.  They might be visiting another planet, not merely a different country. Take, for instance, a routine booking: a self-drive holiday for an American couple, starting in Cape Town, along the Garden Route, north through Golden Gate and thence to Durban – probably the most civilised and developed stretch of tarmac in the country. They sent their travel agent a list of questions:  did they need to hire a 4x4 for our wild and dangerous roads?  Did this country have any hospitals?  Their medical insurance was paid up, but they just wanted to be 100% sure.  Were there any hotels in which they could stay or did they have to bring camping gear? The bemused travel agent wondered whether these brave adventurers had actually looked at the package of glossy brochures she’d sent them.  As far as these two were concerned, South Africa was a vast stretch of wilderness, one giant game reserve. But even game reserves have their mysteries.  A British guest at an exclusive game lodge complained bitterly to the management over breakfast one morning that she had been kept awake for most of the night by a leopard noisily killing a buck right outside her bedroom window.  Even when she had pulled the curtains to block out the gory sight the struggles continued – not to mention the sucking and slurping sounds she had to put up with as the leopard settled down to its meal.  It had simply ruined her stay. Another guest at another lodge had a more sympathetic view of these graceful cats.  She came running back excitedly from an early-morning game walk to call urgently to a group of rangers having breakfast:  “Come quickly!  There’s a leopard stuck up a tree!” But she was an old hand in comparison to two panic-stricken German guests, who charged into the reception at a remote mountain lodge one evening to announce:  "There’s the wild animal in our room!” The duty manager grabbed his rifle and ran.  Arriving at the chalet with its lights ablaze he cautiously pushed open the door – to find the room empty.  “It’s all right,” he turned to reassure the couple, “it’s gone now.”  But they were not convinced.  They advanced a few paces, froze and pointed.  “There it is!”  And sure enough, there it was – a gecko blinking a little sheepishly from the ceiling. And what about the rather serious Swiss couple who were shown to their room in a guesthouse in Zululand?  Within minutes they were back at reception, looking apologetic.  There was a slight problem with their room, they said.  They would prefer to have another room – without any mosquitoes. The receptionist was flummoxed.  She tried to explain that even though the rooms were sprayed regularly, mosquitoes had an annoying habit of flying through open doors and were almost impossible to eradicate.  This was not good enough for the Swiss, who decided to check out and go in search of some establishment that was hermetically sealed. So much for guests who expect too much from Africa – but what about guests who expect too little? An extremely remote lodge in Botswana played host to a charming couple who seemed to love every minute of their stay.  However, as they headed off towards their light aircraft to be ferried back to their international flight connection, they mentioned casually to their pilot that they had had no hot water for the duration of their stay. He was horrified and hastened to tell the manager.  The manager was equally horrified, and hastened to tell the guests that the pilot light on their geyser must have blown out: all that had been needed to ensure copious amounts of hot water was a match. They were clearly uncomfortable about the fuss they had caused and attempted to placate him:  “We weren’t so very concerned,” they said.  “We thought that in Africa, everyone bathed in cold water.”