I have come to the sorrowful conclusion that my luggage doesn’t like me much. I think it only tolerates me as a means to an end. Every time I go somewhere, my luggage – or parts of it – goes off and has a holiday without me. The first time I ever went overseas – to the US via Rio de Janiero – my entire complement of bags decided that they didn’t want to hang around in hot and humid Rio for a three-day stop over, so they went straight to Miami. When I finally joined them, there they were, tapping their feet and tightlipped because I had been holding up the fun.  In vain I protested that they had actually inconvenienced me, after all, I had been compelled to wash out my clothes every night for three days and put the damp and crinkled dress back on the following day. I suspected that that particular outfit would leave me without a qualm and, in fact, shortly after that episode it did. For several years I travelled around Africa, which my luggage thoroughly enjoyed. The endless problem, always, was keeping my bags to the scheduled itinerary. It would happen time and again that I would go off with my designated driver, to see my baggage waving cheerfully at me from a bus going the other way. Somehow we always ended up on the plane home – although I had a suspicion that the luggage was having a better time than I was. For several years I outwitted the luggage by travelling with a backpack, to which I remained firmly attached. This eventually resulted in sulky clothing that wrapped itself up in my essentials so that to get anything out would result in a cascade of my personal belongings all over the pavement of a strange country and a crowd of fascinated locals.  The garments also deliberately crinkled into unrecognisable shapes within minutes of being put in. Important items, like money and travel papers, would immediately dive for the very bottom. So I gave up and reverted to suitcases and my luggage and I have been happily going our separate ways ever since. Statistics show that 99% of baggage that goes missing is located at some stage and eventually returned to the owner, albeit with a tan and a sheepish look. I think this is a misleading statistic, as it only refers to baggage in toto. What about all those bits inside that make a break for freedom as soon as they are on the plane?  Statistics, once again, show that South Africa is regarded as the worst place for baggage pilfering. I wouldn’t go as far as that – pilfering is such an uncompromising term. It is clear that many valuable items in our luggage are afraid of flying and would prefer to stay on the ground. They therefore cry for help whenever they think that a sympathetic ear is listening. And our baggage-handlers, being a notoriously soft-hearted bunch, are always willing to let the prisoners out. In the past, the solution used to be to wrestle the recalcitrant belongings onto the plane by marching them up the gangplank holding firmly onto their ears. This is no longer an option: carry-on luggage is now so restricted that your bits in question have plenty of opportunity to make a break for it.  Several attempts have been made to solve this problem. A while ago it was regarded as good enough merely to put padlocks on suitcases. This was abandoned when the luggage learned to pick a lock.  Something I have found keeps the luggage firmly in place are those dinky plastic ties that go around the handles and grip the zip-tags firmly. The main drawback to this method is that you are not allowed to carry scissors or knives with you on the plane, so that when you reach your destination you have no means to cut the pesky little plastic tie off and you are reduced to gnawing through it. There is a simpler way, however. When packing, only take items that have proved their loyalty and will stay with you. This means having to find creative uses for a suitcase full of socks. Or perhaps buy everything you need when you get to your destination.  The latest trick is to wrap the whole bag in cling-wrap plastic, at the risk of asphyxiating the contents. This extreme measure has finally broken the spirit of any lively luggage and it stays put.  But I have decided that this is a bit cruel. I adopt a completely laissez-faire attitude towards my baggage and let it do as it pleases.  I am worried that if I take too tough a line, one day it will just refuse to leave home altogether.