Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.;

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

90% of all statistics are made up

A man needs a good memory after he has lied.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

COINCIDENCE happens.

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.