We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognise you.

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

"Are you medical or surgical?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."